7 Ways To Handle High Conflict People During The Holidays
Do you have to deal not so easy people this holiday season? These strategies may help.
As discussed in my previous articles, high-conflict personalities (HCP’s) do not possess the emotional maturity and capacity to have healthy emotional relationships. Ways to recognize high-conflict personalities include being aware of long-term interactional patterns. These include the presence of continuous emotional dramas and conflict, the inability to engage in effective rupture and repairs in relationships, and interactions that leave you feeling drained, confused, or anxious versus feeling positive and energized. HCP’s tend to think of themselves first and engage in chronic self-absorbed behavior and show a lack of empathy or remorse for past grievances which may leave you feeling hurt. These characteristics, including others,(i.e., gaslighting, not remembering previous conflicts) make it difficult to have a close relationship with them. Many choose not to have a relationship at all, while some set boundaries and limit their time or have minimal interactions. However, during the holidays many find a unique set of challenges with the HCP’s in their lives.
The holidays can be a wonderful time of the year to spend with loved ones, however stress is common. Travel, entertaining, financial and time constraints can cause stress. Further, for those who have to interact with emotionally immature people (i.e., high conflict personalities, those with alcohol dependency, or undiagnosed mental health issues), can further induce anxiety, and even dread. For example, holiday gatherings can be particularly taxing if there has been a history of conflicts, arguments, and tension during past gatherings.
Unfortunately, due to the emotional immaturity of HCP’s they are unable to put their differences aside and their behaviors may be ruled by emotions and lack of emotion regulation, causing further emotional dramas (Lester, 2021). Many clients find they may have no choice but to spend more time with certain family members, co-workers, and friends that possess these traits during the holiday season.
For instance, they may feel guilty if they distance themselves or not see their family because although they do love them, they may be impossible to deal with. Other reasons include wanting to see others at the same gathering, not wanting to make waves, or they may find it important that their children have relationships with family members that have HCP traits.
7 Strategies to Manage Conflict During The Holidays
1. Reframe your expectations: The goal of time together should be to “have a nice time that is free of conflict” versus an attempt to engage in repairs of the past. For example, knowing you will need to spend 8 hours together on Christmas a successful outcome would be to have conflict-free time. Or perhaps you want to promote a positive relationship with your kids and their grandparents. A successful outcome would be that they had a positive interaction even though yours may have had some bumps.
2. Manage the relationship, do not engage. Focusing on the outcome of a particular interaction and not the relationship itself. Engaging and attempting to repair relationships with emotionally immature people is very unlikely whether it is the holiday season or not. Approaching the relationship differently is key.
3. Set limits on exposure time: Manage exactly how much time you will need to spend during your visits. Is it a few hours? An evening? Are they visiting you for a week? Positive self-talk can include “this is only a few hours; I can do this”. Also, surrounding yourself with “buffers” or safer people and family members (i.e., those who are mature, not drinking heavily) may be helpful during your visit.
4. Change the subject. Remember you will not be able to reason with the unreasonable. Keep subjects light when they want to pull you into “drama” (Lester, 2021). Be prepared for this and have alternate strategies and interventions for when this occurs. For example, distractions, re-directing the conversation to something more positive, or even introducing a shared activity such as a game, a Netflix series, or a sports game may be helpful.
5. Focus on humor: Sharing positive or funny family memories may help lighten the mood if things get tense. Photo albums and videos may help recall these positive memories including storytelling.
6. Take breaks: Taking breaks include taking a walk, going outside, or even going to the bathroom or another room to re-group. Taking deep breaths (inhale for 6 seconds, exhale for 6 seconds) can help reduce anxiety or tension and calm your autonomic nervous system if you get triggered.
7. Detach: Using mindfulness skills can help achieve the goal of observing the interaction and detaching from it emotionally. If pulled into a conflict, using the words “detach, detach, detach” can help remove yourself and observe the interaction versus reacting to it emotionally.
Copyright 2022: Dr. Tracy Hutchinson, Ph.D.
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References:
Childs E., White, T., & Whit, H. (2014). Personality traits modulate emotional and physiological responses to stress. Behavioral Pharmacolology. 25, 493-502. doi:10.1097/FBP.000000000000006.
Godwin, A. & Lester, G. (2021). Demystifying personality disorders. Clinical Skills for working with drama and manipulation. (PESI) Lesser, E. (2004).
Lesser, E. (2008). Broken open, how difficult times help us grow. Villard: New York, NY.
