Mental strength and mental toughness have been well touted in popular culture. However, researchers have been focusing on human strengths and resilience for over 20 years. Traditionally, psychologists and doctors have focused on what is wrong with individuals, versus what is right- their strengths and resilience. Therefore, the Positive Psychology movement emerged and shifted that focus. Research has revealed how resilient and mentally strong people behave in many areas of their lives including crises such as 9-11, pandemics, and other areas of their lives including parenting.
Mentally strong individuals model both psychological and emotional strength and promote resilience in themselves and their children. Unfortunately, many unknowingly repeat what we learned in our own childhoods and repeat these patterns with our children. We may realize that we “don’t want to be like my mother in this way” yet discover we are behaving in that way. We also may repeat dysfunctional generational patterns because that is “what we know and what we do”. Therefore, it is important to investigate what mentally strong parents do and don’t do.
- They don’t overlook, deny, or negate their child’s emotions.
Mentally resilient parents are acutely aware of the importance of teaching their children an emotional vocabulary. They teach them how to name their emotions and how to deal with their emotions, many times by social modeling. They understand that recognizing and validating their child’s emotions are vital. They understand the delicate balance between validation and dismissing emotions such as “pulling yourself up by the bootstraps”. They may reflect feelings often to convey understanding – “you feel sad” or “it made you angry” and then model effective distress tolerance skills to promote emotion regulation in their children. They also understand that their child is not being a “victim” by expressing their emotions and they must be felt to be healed. They understand by not relating to their child’s emotions consistently may cause psychological harm which may cause their emotional roadblocks in adulthood.
2. They don’t teach mistakes are wrong.
They understand that “failure” and mistakes are a part of success. They know that to be successful or to learn a skill is a developmental process that takes place over time and mistakes and failures are part of success. Just as we know and expect our kids not to stumble and fall as a process of learning to walk, mentally strong parents expect that mistakes are a part of learning.
“I have not failed, I have just found 10,000 ways that won’t work”- Albert Einstein
- They don’t ignore parent/child boundaries
Mentally strong parents don’t “cave” when their children are upset with them for setting limits. They understand that part of effective parenting is being unpopular at times which means their children may dissent, be angry, or upset when boundaries are instilled for their greater good. They also understand that boundaries, consistency, routine, and order promote psychological safety in their children.
- They don’t ignore the importance of teaching them about relationships.
They teach their children both how to interact and realistic expectations regarding relationships such as marriage and friendships. They teach and model the interpersonal skills necessary for successful relationships such as flexibility, empathy, dependability, etc.
- They don’t ignore the importance of emotional, and psychological safety.
Mentally strong parents understand their child’s emotional and psychological safety is just as important as their physical safety. They understand that consistent arguments, emotional violence, substance abuse, untreated parental mental health issues, etc. may have lifetime effects on their children.
- They don’t expect to follow their life dreams.
They accept their children as unique individuals who were born to contribute through their unique gifts and talents. They don’t live vicariously through their children steering them on trajectories of their own agenda, ignoring the child’s interests or explorations.
- They don’t over function for them
They don’t shield them from painful situations and model co-dependency but autonomy. They know the children must learn to tolerate distress on their own and “saving” them may be helping the parent’s discomfort. They help their children navigate difficult situations so they can build autonomy.
- They don’t ignore the importance of mentoring and modeling
Mentally strong people know and acknowledge how their success was derived from mentoring and modeling. Intuitively and it has been modeled for them by peers, mentors, and particularly the most important – parents and family. They teach, coach, and mentor their children and provide them with the best tools possible so they can flourish in their own lives.
Copyright 2020: Tracy Hutchinson, Ph.D.
