It is essential to have personal boundaries to have healthy relationships. Personal Boundaries are important because you set basic guidelines of how you want to be treated.
The problem is with boundary violators, they don’t know what boundaries are. It is your job to teach them about your boundaries for your own mental health and wellness.
Boundaries are basic respectful guidelines created that establish how others behave around you. This should be obvious, right? If you are reading this, you may be respectful of boundaries but have found yourself confused by how you have been treated by a friend, co-worker, loved one, or family members. Perhaps you may be seeking how to respond to strange feelings you have about a person who may be violating your emotional boundaries, physical boundaries, or psychological boundaries. One way to know if you are being violated is the way that you feel, trust your intuition and discomfort because it’s probably right.
Setting boundaries takes practice. It involves deciding what behavior is okay and what is not and how to respond if someone passes your comfort and limits. Setting boundaries can ensure that relationships can be mutually respectful, appropriate, and caring. At some point in all of our lives, we have felt our boundaries being violated. Some clues may include feeling a person is “strange” or “disrespectful or creepy” when you interact with them. They may deny that they said or told you something and you question your sanity. Whether it is a stranger that is standing too close to you or touching you (physical boundary) or someone asking very personal questions (emotional), it can cause discomfort. Perhaps you have been a target of emotional abuse or bullying in school or the workplace (psychological). All are examples of boundary violations.
Often, we assume that people will respect our boundaries because we were brought up and taught what is acceptable by our family and/or culture. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Although we can choose who we interact with in our personal life such as choosing close friends, this is not always the case in other environments such as work, family, community, etc. We can feel uncomfortable or even violated if we interact with those who have poor boundaries. In fact, it may be more problematic with people who have mental health issues. Often, we know that our boundaries have been violated by the way we feel. Feelings of confusion, anxiety, or feeling drained around a person can all be signs that our boundaries have been violated. “Narcissists” are notorious for violating boundaries and this behavior appears to be increasing in our culture. Therefore, we have to know how to establish healthy emotional, psychological, and physical boundaries in relationships so we can feel respected and safe. How? The first step is knowing your rights to a healthy relationship.
Do you know your rights in a relationship?
- To feel safe in a relationship
- To have your privacy and boundaries you have created, respected
- To be heard and listened to
- To feel validated
- To be appreciated and valued
- To respect that the answer “no” means “no”
- To have your needs met
- To be treated respectfully- the absence of emotional, physical, or verbal abuse
Identifying your limits in relationships is the first step in maintaining healthy boundaries. What is acceptable behavior within a relationship? For example, if you meet a new friend and tell them that you are busy but they continue to call and text you, you may find they are not accepting no for an answer. A person who continually does not take “no” for an answer is violating your boundaries. The second step is to stick to those boundaries and to have a plan if someone crosses those limits. For example, if a person passes these limits, establishing consequences is vital. If you need help establishing healthy boundaries and practicing assertiveness counseling can help. I use a variety of approaches including psychoeducation and even more importantly, assertiveness counseling and training. Often, those who lack assertiveness skills and “don’t want to be mean” may be at risk for boundary violations because they don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings and put their needs on the back burner. Additionally, clients may need help when their boundaries have been violated (i.e., victims of physical assault, sexual assault, bullying) and may be experiencing emotional trauma like depression or anxiety as a result of their experience.
EMDR therapy may help with these symptoms. Other techniques that will help in counseling include Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).
Copyright 2016: Dr. Tracy Hutchinson, Ph.D.
