Emotionally immature people can cause conflict through drama, but also avoidance, passivity, and emotional neglect.
As stated in Part I, many clients seek therapy due to symptoms related to chronic relationship problems, whether it be parents, co-workers, family members, and/or partners.
“They are driving me crazy, I feel confused all the time!”
“Is it them or me?”
“I must be doing something wrong?”
While these are good questions to ask and in evaluating relationships, usually what clients don’t realize is that they are dealing with people with undiagnosed mental health issues, specifically personality disorders. Due to this, these strains are usually chronic and long-term over the course of the relationship.
Mature people take responsibility and try to repair ruptures in their relationships. However, this is often impossible when dealing with those with personality disorders because of their emotional immaturity. Due to their inherent limitations, relationship repair and close relationships are not possible. For example, they tend to blame others vs. taking responsibility, refuse to apologize, or cannot see your point of view because of their limited self-awareness and tendency to be self-absorbed. Over time, dealing with emotionally immature people can be costly and detrimental to your mental health because of the problems and pain they cause others. This is referred to as character disturbance, personality disorder spectrum, and emotionally immature people (Gibson, 2019).
High conflict and drama, erratic behavior, and unpredictable behavior are common in these relationships. However, some high-conflict personalities can cause harm in other ways, that may not be as combative. For example, some problematic personality disorders may not be overtly aggressive or emotional but may withdraw, avoid, or dismiss your feelings and reality which can be just as hurtful in relationships. Examples include tendencies to avoid problems (i.e., cutting off contact), neglecting others emotionally, or denying there are problems. When there are problems to work out in a relationship, they may “repair” by cut-offs “I am not speaking to you for a long time” or “ghost” you completely. They may return when it suits them or when they feel like it, which causes more problems, and long-term damage to the relationship.
Classifying Types of Harmful Relationships: It Isn’t Always Narcissistic
In our culture, the widely used term “narcissist” is often misused. For example, a client may have a parent who engages in a self-absorbed manner and causes conflict by avoiding contact, not wanting a close relationship. or not addressing relationship issues. Clients may think they are a “narcissist”, but this may be other disorders on the personality spectrum such as Schizoid or Avoidant Personality Disorder (Cluster A or C). Relationship problems do not have to occur due to overt manipulation or aggression but can be just as “toxic” or harmful. For example, being too passive (not standing up for what is right) or avoidant behaviors (not desiring a close relationship) may lead to harm due to emotional neglect.
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders (DSM-5 TR) there are 10 types of personality disorders. Common components of all the disorders listed below are (a) the ability to be genuinely emotionally available and (b) not being capable of true interpersonal reciprocity (Gibson, 2019). While the purpose of this article is not to diagnose unless you are a professional, it is helpful to know the common interactional patterns of high-conflict personalities so you know how to spot, heal, and approach these relationships differently (if at all).
Cluster A: Paranoid, Schizoid, Schizotypal Personality Disorders
How they present: The hallmark of this cluster of personality disorders is the presence of eccentric, odd thinking, or behavior. For example, if you have a parent with schizoid personality disorder, they may not engage in conflict overtly (overly emotional, etc.).
Relational Harm: Harm and conflict may be caused by avoidance and long-term emotional neglectful behavior. For example, those with Schizoid personality disorder have no desire to have close relationships. A parent with this disorder causes tension, misunderstanding, and harm through avoidance. For example, not checking in with their adult child (maybe once or twice a year), not contacting or having no follow-up after major adverse life events such as surgeries, natural disasters, deaths, etc. As they have limited relationship repair skills, they may choose to “not talk” to a person for a long time following a disagreement or throw a silent emotional tantrum (withdrawing or disappearing). Over time, this may rupture a relationship irrevocably.
Cluster B: Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic, Narcissistic Personality Disorders
How they present: This cluster gets the most “headlines” in society because their behavior is characterized by being overly dramatic, emotional, and erratic and can cause actual psychological and physical harm. Additionally, violating the boundaries of others causes problems in relationships.
Relational Harm: Harm and conflict are usually caused by drama, over-emotional states, manipulativeness, and deceit. Our culture often used terms like psychopath or sociopath, terms used to describe Antisocial Personality Disorder. An example would include a romantic partner who consistently cheats, lies, steals, or engages in other patterns of behavior that disregard the feelings and rights of others. Another would be a family member who perhaps engages in deceit, lies (usually through their own distorted perception of reality). They may attempt to turn members against another through “smear” campaigns, or trying to ruin one’s reputation or career.
Cluster C: Avoidant, Dependent, Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder
This cluster is characterized by anxious and fearful thoughts/ thinking.
Relational Harm: For example, those with Avoidant Personality Disorder may cause relational harm through emotional neglect, avoidance, and lack of rupture and repair skills as they repair by distancing themselves and avoiding conflict, which causes more relationship tension.
Conversely, the trait of being too passive can cause harm as seen in Dependent Personality Disorder. For example, a parent with this disorder may be understanding and warm toward their children but may “overlook” the treatment of an abusive spouse toward the child.
A parent may be so passive (and dependent on their partner), they can turn a blind eye to family situations that are harmful to their children. They can also cause relational harm by ignoring emotional violence between siblings, minimizing abuse, and not standing up for or protecting a bullied child. Therefore, the child questions their reality regarding abuse, their feelings are dismissed and has to “fend for themselves” in neglectful or coercive family interactions. Further, they may reconstruct reality with statements like “it really wasn’t that bad” and “next time, don’t upset your father and it won’t happen”.
How to Manage Personality-Disordered Relationships
Experts in the field of personality disturbance argue that it is vital to understand different personality disorder traits in order to recognize and approach relationships with these individuals in more effective, self-protective ways (Gibson, 2019, Lester, 2021; Godwin, 2021, Simon, 2011)—by, for example, recognizing and accepting that communication may be difficult if not impossible with a personality-disordered, emotionally immature parent. “Fixing” the relationship may be an unrealistic expectation; often, it’s better to manage it, or, if possible, simply disengage.
Copyright 2023: Tracy Hutchinson, Ph.D.
References
Azad Hemmati et al. “Differential Profile of Three Overlap Psychiatric Diagnoses Using Temperament and Character Model: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis of Avoidant Personality Disorder, Schizoid Personality Disorder, and Social Anxiety Disorder.” Annals of Indian psychiatry (Online) 6.1 (2022): 15–26.
Dingfelder, S. (2004). Treatment for the ‘untreatable’. American Psychological Association, 35 (3).
Di Stefano, R., Di Pietro, A., Talevi, D. et al. Personality disorders (PD) and interpersonal violence (IV) during COVID-19 pandemic: a systematic review. Ann Gen Psychiatry 21, 11 (2022).
Gibson, L. (2019). Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents/Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents (2015).
Godwin, A. & Lester, G. (2021). Demystifying personality disorders. Clinical Skills for working with drama and manipulation. (PESI).
Juarros-Basterretxea J, Herrero J, Escoda-Menéndez P, Rodríguez-Díaz FJ. Cluster B Personality Traits and Psychological Intimate Partner Violence: Considering the Mediational Role of Alcohol. Journal of Interpersonal Violence. 2022;37(3-4):NP1566-NP1587. doi:10.1177/0886260520922351
Lester, G.W. (2018) Advanced Diagnosis, Treatment, and Management of DSM-5 Personality Disorders. Ashcroft Press.
Simon, G. ( 2011 ). Character Disturbance. The Phenomenon of Our Age.
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