Silence Your Inner Bully: Become Aware of Your Inner Voice
If someone you cared for was being treated put down and criticized, you would probably do everything you could to stop it. You may even try to defend them and make them feel better. This is a natural response to those we love and care about. However, in working with clients and students I find they are not as gracious with themselves. For example, I work with clients to become aware of their inner dialogue. Many are surprised to uncover that their self-talk borders on “bullying” and verbal abuse. While some levels of self-criticism may be helpful for greater self-awareness and psychological growth, excessive amounts of self-criticism can be toxic and cause you more suffering. Research supports it as well: high levels of self-criticism are correlated with mental health symptoms like depression and anxiety. However, practices like self-compassion can help silence this inner voice.
“Men are disturbed not by the things that happen, but by their opinions of the things that happen”- Epictetus, (55-135)
As the ancient Greek philosopher stated, it is not so much what happens to us, but how we perceive it. Our opinions of what occurs in our lives and what it means to us usually creates this inner dialogue. Our opinions and judgments can translate into perceived “failings”. Some of these beliefs can stem from childhood and continue into adulthood. Consider the following common client dialogues:
You are so stupid! How could you make that mistake?
You should have done better.
I am a loser, I didn’t get the job!
You are not doing enough/failing.
You are a failure/crazy because… (divorced, lost job, etc.)
I’m a terrible mother, it is all your fault he turned out this way.
There is something really wrong with you/defective.
A Bit More Than An Inner Critic
Clients can be so hard themselves and excessively self-critical that their “inner bully” has to be confronted. Why? Such relentless self-critical attitudes are associated with more suffering, increased anxiety, stress, and depression. Counseling helps along with other techniques such as CBT and EMDR. However, emerging research is showing that a self-compassion practice can help as well. This goes beyond self-love and this construct has been widely researched, particularly in the last decade. For instance, researchers have found that self-compassion is inversely related to psychopathology and narcissism (Neff & Germer, 2017) and self-compassion can positively affect psychological health and well-being.
Self-Compassion Research
Researchers have found that the trait of self-compassion is associated with several psychological benefits. For example, trait levels of self-compassion are linked to overall well-being and greater happiness, optimism, body image, perceived competence, and satisfaction with life (Hollis-Walker & Colosimo, 2011). Additionally, it is associated with lower levels of depression, anxiety, fear of failure, and body shame (Daye et al., 2014). But what if you are not born with high levels of self-compassion trait? Not to worry, because you can learn to be more self-compassionate by practice.
Practicing self-compassion has been shown to improve positive emotions. In one study of college students, researchers found significantly greater increases in optimism, self-efficacy, and self-compassion for those who participated in a 3-week self-compassion curriculum compared to the control group (Smeets et al, 2014). Further, they showed decreases in rumination (a hallmark of anxiety) versus the control group. Other studies have shown that self-compassion has been correlated to increased life satisfaction, self-efficacy, and happiness and it positively impacts physiological responses to stress. The benefits are clear, but how can you practice self-compassion?
5 Ways to Stop that Inner Bully
- Become aware of what you are saying to yourself. When you notice self-critical thoughts like “I am such an idiot” or “I am a failure because…” use thought stopping. Picture a STOP sign or something that resonates with you. Thought stopping is a cognitive intervention that interrupts the recurring thoughts that can turn into excessive ruminating. When you notice your negative thought, picture a stop sign to avoid over-identifying with the negative thought(s).
- Replace this with mindful attention to your feelings. Pause here and become mindfully aware of your inner experience. This is called mindfulness. Just as you would validate a friend’s feelings if they were hurt, do the same for yourself and acknowledge your pain or discomfort. An important part of self-compassion is not just replacing your negative thought with a positive one (like traditional cognitive behavioral therapy), but mindfully becoming aware of your inner state. Things you can say to yourself include “This is a moment of suffering”, “this hurts”, or “I notice this tightness in my chest and it is uncomfortable”. Notice this feeling before moving on to step 3.
- Realize you are not alone in your suffering. Yes, this is true. We all suffer to varying degrees it is part of the human experience. Whether your husband left you for another person, your home was destroyed in a disaster, or you had a hard childhood, you are not alone in your suffering. According to Kristen Neff, Ph.D. this step is called common humanity versus isolation. Often, the feelings of isolation and that you are unique in your suffering cause more suffering. Statements in this step can include “ I am not alone” “Everyone suffers” or “So many other people feel this way, too” which is important this step. Keeping a realistic perspective that suffering is a part of being human, is vital.
- Use soothing self-talk. What would you say to your friend? In your own words, what do need to hear to express love and kindness to yourself? Suggestions include “You are doing the best you can right now” or “Everyone makes mistakes”; Do you need a warm cup of cocoa? Or “May I be loving to myself and patient”. It may seem silly at first, but turning empathy inwards takes practice.
- Access Your Wise Mind. According to the author of DBT Marsha Lineman (1993), the wise mind is a combination of both emotion and logic. You can look at your situation using both logic and wisdom. For example, what are the facts? Did you do your best to prepare for the interview? If you think you failed, do you believe that everyone stumbles in life? That everyone fails at some time or another? What are your strengths, and what are the things you have done well in your life? If you have a hard time accessing this, gain some feedback from a trusted friend or counselor. Replace any remaining highly charged emotional thoughts with logical statements and wisdom.
This blog appeared in Psychology Today: November 2018
Would you like to learn more about how to reduce depression and anxiety? Contact Dr. Tracy Hutchinson today »
Resources:
Daye, C. A., Webb, J. B., & Jafari, N. (2014). Exploring self-compassion as a refuge against recalling the body-related shaming of caregiver eating messages on dimensions of objectified body consciousness in college women. Body Image, 11(4), 547-556.
Diedrich, A., Grant, M., Hofmann, S. G., Hiller, W., & Berking, M. (2014). Self-compassion as an emotion regulation strategy in major depressive disorder. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 58, 43-51.
Hollis-Walker, L., & Colosimo, K. (2011). Mindfulness, self-compassion, and happiness in nonmeditators: A theoretical and empirical examination. Personality and Individual
Differences, 50, 222-227.
Neff, K. D. (2012). The science of self-compassion. In C. Germer & R. Siegel (Eds.), Compassion and Wisdom in Psychotherapy (pp. 79-92). New York: Guilford Press.
Neff, K. D. & Germer, C. (2017). Self-Compassion and psychological wellbeing. In J. Doty (Ed.) Oxford Handbook of Compassion Science, Chap. 27. Oxford University Press.
Smeets, E., Neff, K., Alberts, H., & Peters, M. (2014). Meeting suffering with kindness: Effects of a brief celf-Compassion intervention for female college students. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 70(9), 794-807.
